I'm not the sort of person to write self-pitying statuses on Facebook, ones that scream, look at me, ones that demand people make comments such as, 'hun, what's wrong, inbox me' etc, etc. You know the kind I mean. It seems that some peoples lives are always a drama, one to be played out on social media, to the extent that they live their lives online, posting what they had for dinner, how they've cleaned their house, how their baby has just thrown up. Each to their own I guess but its not for me. Having said that, its good to purge yourself of negative emotions, of bad thoughts, of problems better shared but I think if you have a real problem then instead of a few words on Facebook surely its better to write a long email to a friend or actually meet that friend for coffee and a chat or even create a blog. and write it down, express yourself.
The past few years have been hard for me, both personally and creatively. I could say the past twenty years have been difficult for it wouldnt be a lie. I lost my best friend to cancer then a few years afterwards, my boyfriend died in an accident. Those two incidents really changed me, as I'm sure a lot of people can testify after losing someone. There were other losses and it seemed at one point that I was going to funeral after funeral, and i began to feel slightly cursed. I wrote a lot during that period and my writing from that time reflects how I was feeling. I can honestly say that looking at my poetry and stories from that time is like looking at a different person completely. I fell into various bad decisions, including relationships with resulted in domestic violence, then my last relationship, which I thought was forever eventually broke down. That last break up affected me more than I thought it would, and its taken me a long time to get over it. I've been single now for 18 months, the longest I've been on my own and I feel no need to meet anyone else. I feel slightly cynical and bitter if I'm honest. True love doesn't seem to exist after all and life is full of pitfalls and dips that take you by surprise.
Now, my mother is ill. She has cancer and is having an op next week. My son is mentally unwell and the fight to get financial assistance for him is beyond stressful. The bedroom tax is taking more money than I can afford and i work extra hours just to keep a roof over my head and food on the table.
Writing seems to have taken a backfoot for the minute while i try and deal with everything and i wonder just what I'm supposed to be doing in my life. My dreams of years ago seems foggy and silly and my old teenage self seems too optimistic and naive although I guess most teenagers are a bit like that. I used to want to be an actress. I still do but that's one dream that has been cold for a long time. Maybe that's partly why I write, to create characters and immerse myself in someone else because deep down I don't think I'm interesting enough.
I thought I'd be somewhere else in my life by now. The things I've always wanted to do are still to be done and the man I thought I'd be with until I'm old is long gone but I'm still fighting, still here, and thats more than some people can say. I'm lucky in a lot of ways that I really should mention. I have three great kids, and three lovely grand-children with another on the way but just once, I'd like a little bit of luck in my personal life.
Its long overdue...
Well, its been so long since I've written on here that maybe anyone visiting this site will think I've abandoned this blog but the truth is, I kinda lost heart for while. my life was just work, home and bed basically. There's been lots of stuff going on personally and writing seemed to be the last thing that needed to be done but at last I can finally feel a tingle in the part that screams at me to write and i have some ideas that just won't slide away quietly. 2013 will see some projects and stories that I hope will end up on here and I hope you will join me in viewing them.!
I have never been much good at writing blogs as not only am I a really private person who is virtually a recluse, I live a life where not much really goes on to warrant having a blog. My innermost thoughts get written down in my journal and that is not for anyones eyes for the sole reason that I don't want to be sectioned. :D I much prefer to write fiction because in fiction you can get away with anything and in creating a piece, no matter what its about, there is always a part of yourself that is left in amongs the words; some emotion or truth that you wouldnt want to admit to. Sometimes, its a deliberate effort but more often than not, its a subconcious thing and you dont realise until afterwards. When this happens to me, I often want to remove it or change the wording but that would entail removing the very essence of the story. Writing dark fiction entails opening a door in your mind and dragging things out that leaves you uncomfortable to begin with but as the words drop out like blood onto the page or screen, it becomes as natural as eating a mega bar of Aero in one go and feeling not one bit of guilt. Maybe deep down, the people in real life that you could really murder always end up behind that door ready to be taken out kicking and screaming and placed on a page, and maybe thats why a lot of horror writers look like serial killers. ;)