The past few years have been hard for me, both personally and creatively. I could say the past twenty years have been difficult for it wouldnt be a lie. I lost my best friend to cancer then a few years afterwards, my boyfriend died in an accident. Those two incidents really changed me, as I'm sure a lot of people can testify after losing someone. There were other losses and it seemed at one point that I was going to funeral after funeral, and i began to feel slightly cursed. I wrote a lot during that period and my writing from that time reflects how I was feeling. I can honestly say that looking at my poetry and stories from that time is like looking at a different person completely. I fell into various bad decisions, including relationships with resulted in domestic violence, then my last relationship, which I thought was forever eventually broke down. That last break up affected me more than I thought it would, and its taken me a long time to get over it. I've been single now for 18 months, the longest I've been on my own and I feel no need to meet anyone else. I feel slightly cynical and bitter if I'm honest. True love doesn't seem to exist after all and life is full of pitfalls and dips that take you by surprise.
Now, my mother is ill. She has cancer and is having an op next week. My son is mentally unwell and the fight to get financial assistance for him is beyond stressful. The bedroom tax is taking more money than I can afford and i work extra hours just to keep a roof over my head and food on the table.
Writing seems to have taken a backfoot for the minute while i try and deal with everything and i wonder just what I'm supposed to be doing in my life. My dreams of years ago seems foggy and silly and my old teenage self seems too optimistic and naive although I guess most teenagers are a bit like that. I used to want to be an actress. I still do but that's one dream that has been cold for a long time. Maybe that's partly why I write, to create characters and immerse myself in someone else because deep down I don't think I'm interesting enough.
I thought I'd be somewhere else in my life by now. The things I've always wanted to do are still to be done and the man I thought I'd be with until I'm old is long gone but I'm still fighting, still here, and thats more than some people can say. I'm lucky in a lot of ways that I really should mention. I have three great kids, and three lovely grand-children with another on the way but just once, I'd like a little bit of luck in my personal life.
Its long overdue...